Just post it.

I'm so fucking mad. So fucking pissed off at everything. Why the fuck do I have to feel this way? What exactly went wrong? When was it? Was there a way in which I could have prevented it? I'm deaf, I can't hear a thing, I feel so stiff with anger, my fingers violently typing bullshit. I had to erase the previous drafts so many times, none of them came close to saying how I feel. None of them will, nor this. I can hear less and less, I don't know what's happening. I feel as I'm as drunk as I ever was, though I haven't been drinking. I don't know where this came from, I just know that this is as far as I get. I think I've reached my limit. I couldn't take any more pain than this. I want to rip my body to shreds, I want to dive into the freezing cold sea and hold my breath until I swallow water, until I'm this close to dying, only to come back to the surface and thank the world I'm still alive. I don't want to die. I do, I want to die, but I don't think I do. I want it to be ok. I want somebody, anybody to hold me and tell me I'll be ok, just as long as I keep living, just as long as I keep breathing and finally something, anything, somebody, you? will take my breath away, in the good way. I just hope that happens soon because my heart in my chest is about to explode. I can feel it, so tight; but I can't feel it pumping. I wish, wherever you are, that you are not going through this. I've wished you wrong in the past, I have, but I would never wish this. I hope life's getting better for you, I do, I so do. But I think I prefer to keep hoping and not knowing for sure, maybe at this time looking at you smile would tear me apart, hell, I know for a fact that seeing you would kill me. I just wanted you to know, that you're still in my birthday wishes.